I'll bite my tongue to not say things out of time.
I'll hold back on playing the game, because there's no other way to call this, backwards and hope that for once we'll do it right.
But being what it is and seeing the way things are, if this time things don't go as planned I won't let myself collapse over it.
You can pause and leave me waiting, and at any given time you may even quit. I honestly just want to play along but if your fears of commitment don't subside I don't mind if you don't give in.

                                                               .but that's still inaccurate.

To be honest with myself and everyone else, if I'm constantly checking my cellphone for any missed calls or messages it's not out of caring. If dial any number and then hesitate it's not because I want to let people know I care. I just want to know I matter to someone. I want to find a secret back door to their minds and enter. I want to bring down the walls in there and hammer away and build something great and big and impossible to ignore.


And then I'd like to wreck it all
                                     and leave a void
                                            and know they miss the great, giant something that used to be there.
                                                       
                                                                and know they miss me
                                                                and know they care.

Bañarnos los dos en las aguas del Mediterráneo.

"Nunca había imaginado algo tan bueno para mí. Yo pensaba que tú eras para los otros, para los que son como tú, no como yo."

I wish

I could climb trees.
I enjoyed running around.
I could travel more.
I could travel alone.
I could travel with friends.
I could travel with someone.
I could run around a forest.
I could run around a forest with someone. Dressed up as indians and cowboys and climb trees and throw non threatening things at each other. Wave a white flag. Surrender. Drop down on the floor in exhaustion, kiss slowly and then make love with twigs, dirt and little insects against my legs and tangled in my hair.
I could enjoy that.
I could meet someone who'd enjoy that too.
I looked good naked.
I had strong legs.
I had faster feet.
I had someone to share that with.
I could sing.
I could play any instrument.
I could sing to someone.
I could draw/paint better.
I could meet someone who likes what I do.
I could meet someone who does it too.
I could have someone to paint and draw with.
I could speak another language.
I had someone to speak it with.
I had someone to travel and learn new languages with.


I'm ambitious, I'm hungry, but too lazy to chase after my goals.

Green, brown and blue.

Green
brown
and blue
and blue
and blue
and blue.

enandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgold
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandhauntinggoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
goldenandblueandblueandgoldenandblueandbluegold
andgoldenandblueandgoldenaandandblueandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenand
goldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgold
genandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenand
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandpinkandpinkandpinkandgolden
enandgoldenandpinkandsinandpinkandgold
andgoldenandgoldandgoldandgolden
andgoldeandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgolden


I wish I was dead by now.

Who are you?

"Llevo demasiado tiempo deseando estar donde no estoy certificando que tal vez esto no es lo que quería una vida, una razón, una mayor motivación buscando nubes en el cielo cuando ni siquiera llueve."

I should keep a calendar on these things.

No expectations can lead to delighting surprises.
Being grateful for the fact that it even happened can lead to pure enjoyment.
Great expectations can lead to numbness/disappointment.

In less than a minute an imaginary fast forward to all the possible laughter and comfort.

An imaginary fast forward to all the fighting and the tears.

In less than a minute an imaginary fast forward to that one monologue in front of the mirror making it clear to myself that I'm the problem to every one of my failed relationships.