Surely something as beautiful and nearly impossible as what I ask for has been granted to others before.
Surely it is not just me.
Hopefully there's more to this than haggling
because I've never quite been the greatest of negotiators

and if it were, it'd be a bargain I wouldn't want to lose.

If I could only have a word with you,
most likely knowingly freaking you out, I would describe to you in great detail
(not to brag)
how full of
love,
desire,
want,
lust,
will to provide,
will to protect,
the need to own and be owned

this unilateral relationship has become.

And maybe then I'd invite you to join it
if only I weren't so proud
and full of fear.

I'll bite my tongue to not say things out of time.
I'll hold back on playing the game, because there's no other way to call this, backwards and hope that for once we'll do it right.
But being what it is and seeing the way things are, if this time things don't go as planned I won't let myself collapse over it.
You can pause and leave me waiting, and at any given time you may even quit. I honestly just want to play along but if your fears of commitment don't subside I don't mind if you don't give in.

                                                               .but that's still inaccurate.

To be honest with myself and everyone else, if I'm constantly checking my cellphone for any missed calls or messages it's not out of caring. If dial any number and then hesitate it's not because I want to let people know I care. I just want to know I matter to someone. I want to find a secret back door to their minds and enter. I want to bring down the walls in there and hammer away and build something great and big and impossible to ignore.


And then I'd like to wreck it all
                                     and leave a void
                                            and know they miss the great, giant something that used to be there.
                                                       
                                                                and know they miss me
                                                                and know they care.

Bañarnos los dos en las aguas del Mediterráneo.

"Nunca había imaginado algo tan bueno para mí. Yo pensaba que tú eras para los otros, para los que son como tú, no como yo."

I wish

I could climb trees.
I enjoyed running around.
I could travel more.
I could travel alone.
I could travel with friends.
I could travel with someone.
I could run around a forest.
I could run around a forest with someone. Dressed up as indians and cowboys and climb trees and throw non threatening things at each other. Wave a white flag. Surrender. Drop down on the floor in exhaustion, kiss slowly and then make love with twigs, dirt and little insects against my legs and tangled in my hair.
I could enjoy that.
I could meet someone who'd enjoy that too.
I looked good naked.
I had strong legs.
I had faster feet.
I had someone to share that with.
I could sing.
I could play any instrument.
I could sing to someone.
I could draw/paint better.
I could meet someone who likes what I do.
I could meet someone who does it too.
I could have someone to paint and draw with.
I could speak another language.
I had someone to speak it with.
I had someone to travel and learn new languages with.


I'm ambitious, I'm hungry, but too lazy to chase after my goals.

Green, brown and blue.

Green
brown
and blue
and blue
and blue
and blue.

enandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgold
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandhauntinggoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
goldenandblueandblueandgoldenandblueandbluegold
andgoldenandblueandgoldenaandandblueandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenand
goldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgold
genandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgoldenand
andgoldenandgoldenandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandpinkandpinkandpinkandgolden
enandgoldenandpinkandsinandpinkandgold
andgoldenandgoldandgoldandgolden
andgoldeandgoldenandgolden
andgoldenandgolden


I wish I was dead by now.

Who are you?

"Llevo demasiado tiempo deseando estar donde no estoy certificando que tal vez esto no es lo que quería una vida, una razón, una mayor motivación buscando nubes en el cielo cuando ni siquiera llueve."

I should keep a calendar on these things.

No expectations can lead to delighting surprises.
Being grateful for the fact that it even happened can lead to pure enjoyment.
Great expectations can lead to numbness/disappointment.

In less than a minute an imaginary fast forward to all the possible laughter and comfort.

An imaginary fast forward to all the fighting and the tears.

In less than a minute an imaginary fast forward to that one monologue in front of the mirror making it clear to myself that I'm the problem to every one of my failed relationships.

Together
Forever.
Forever?
Forever.
Unsure.
I'll tighten up the ropes.
Stop.
Stop?
Stop, Goodbye.
Forever!
Goodbye.
We can still be friends.
You won't like that.
We can try.
I don't believe in it.
We can try.
We can try.

Do you even care if I'm doing alright?
I can try
You can try.
Are you doing alright?
Yes, I know you are too.
I'm glad.


Mistake.

Delete, hate. 
Goodbye.

I'm not feeling alright.
I'm not feeling alright.
I'm not feeling alright.
I'm not feeling alright.
I'm not feeling alright!
...
Are you still there?

If there's something I want more than I want you, it's for you to stop feeling like you've got to impress me or outsmart me every time I ask a question.

The blow hurts all the more when you realize the three of them have become a single giant monster, and you can no longer tell who the blow came from.

I nuked my own comfort zone.

Your many effortless talents put my ambitions to shame.

Innecesario

En la mañana me despierto.

y en la mañana corro al baño.

En la mañana recuerdo que no hay tanta prisa.

En la mañana me veo

y no me gusta lo que veo.

En la mañana recuerdo que hay, aunque sea, un poco de prisa.

Pero en la mañana, no me gusto.

En la mañana me siento en mi cama

e intento ocuparme en otra cosa.

En la mañana intento concentrarme en otra cosa.

Pero en la mañana no me importa nada.

más que dormir

y entonces tomo a mi mejor amiga

quiero a mi mejor amiga

pero en la mañana

no valoro ni a mi mejor amiga

por que no sé tener amigas y eso me importa, por lo menos en la mañana.

En la mañana me vuelvo a despertar.

Y recuerdo que hasta en la mañana tengo obligaciones

...

Pero no valoro mis obligaciones

Y desaparezco.

Y desaparezco.

Y desaparezco.

Y en la mañana reaparezco,

Pero no valoro ni reaparecer, por que no aparezco renacida si no igual.

Y en la mañana (y todo el día), me quiero resignar 

por que tengo obligaciones.

pero más que no valorarlas, las odio.

Me odio, odio a mis obligaciones y odio a mi mejor amiga. A la mierda con todo.

Pero obligaciones, son obligaciones.

talvez por eso no se llaman "Sitedalagana-ciones"

pero en la mañana (y todo el día), eso no importa.

En la mañana realmente nada me importa.

Pero las obligaciones, son obligaciones.

No... a la mierda! NO!

En la mañana me tumbo con mi perro.

En la mañana (y todo el día) quiero a mi perro.

En la mañana valoro, quiero y amo a mi perro.

Pero en la mañana,

me temo que mi perro no se siente igual.

 Pero no lo culpo (tanto).

En la mañana yo ni a mí, ni a mis obligaciones, ni a mi mejor amiga y por poco ni a mi perro;

ni los valoro, ni los quiero, ni los amo.

Y desaparezco.

Pero con todo y cobijas, por que valoro mi descanso.

"Claro que hablan, sólo que muy quedito, casi sin mover los labios.
Andrés no puede oírlas pero tú sí, Martita, por que estás hecha de sueños, de luz de luna y de viento.

La oyes? Qué te dice?"

You passed it down to me, you swore it'd always remain a sacred memory and that as long as it lied around me I could always remember how we first met.
As I hold it up to my ear I hear the vast and endless nothing that rests beneath the surface. I recall the burning sensation in my nose and my lungs. My arms stretched out over me trying to get a grasp of something over the surface. I tried so hard to make a sound but I had no breath left to scream, I could only try to survive a little longer with what little air I had left. Making my peace with death, my sight went black but eyes were wide open. I was trying to stay awake and conscious but I couldn't. Nothingness surrounded me, I couldn't recall any of my past problems; I couldn't even remember my name. Out of nowhere I felt your arms around me, I wasn't sure of what was happening. I could feel you struggling with my weight across the water, trying to stay afloat. I could hear your worried screams to everyone on the shore. I woke up in pain, my throat hurt like it never had before and my lungs felt heavy with every breath I took. I coughed up water and it all landed on my face making me open my eyes, and there you were, a beautiful creature soaked in sunlight. From forced gratitude I rose my head with what little strength I had and I kissed you.

If only I had known then what our lives would've been like together, I would've used what was left of my life to push and kick you away from me so I could die in peace, never having known or felt the shame of calling myself yours.

"Silver and silent, in it's abundance, overflows
 Silver and silent, brushing on; in it's abundance, overflows.
 Always around you, always glows.

 So bright, so long.
 I'm never coming back."

Life is unfair

kill yourself or get over it.

"... before I'll be your dog
I'll see you in your grave."

Quién me quitará la dicha, la dicha de estarte viendo?

Amorfa.

I feel the weight of loneliness and fear clinging to the fat over my ribs every night. I'd rather avoid sleeping for now.

"Je peux si tu veux..."

How I wish...

1.- to collapse on the sand and feel the cool night breeze across my stomach and after that your hand, or nothing at all. Nothing but the illusion of being whole and full of time to come and beauty to know.

2.- to be convinced that it was one of the best days of my entire existence, without having to acknowledge I was so many steps behind.

3.- to stride beside and not behind. To talk with pride and not be intimidated by all the things I don't know.

4.- to not consider other alternatives to the current storyline and embrace what I've been given the chance to live.

5.- to not hold songs on repeat.

6.- to have no memory.

7.- to have no thirst.

Pánico.

Now, Darling...

I know you find me pretty enough and I need not worry about losing any chronological privileges but I can't help my thirst for power I lack.

Power I want to acquire.

One of the many downsides of growing up is that whenever you feel bad about yourself, disney advice like "believe in yourself!" and "stay true to what you are!" just doesn't do it anymore. Not that it ever really did, anyway.

Stop, your heart beat will fall and I will cry until you wake up.

There's no way to go back.
There's no point in moving forward.

Both empathy and apathy will always wind up killing the only things worth shit about me.

After five minutes

It was so bright, red and lonely it even seemed it was mocking me.

Read the following dialogue:

1: "Va a tener que ir Jorge por Juan mañana."
2: "¿Y el tío Pepe?"
1: "También, pero él llega hoy en la noche."
2:"¿No podemos pasar por él?"
1:"Pués m'ija, con toda la friega que tenemos que armar todavía..."

3:"Que joda es una boda."
2:"Pero fíjate que es padre, la verdad si no disfrutas eso, yo no sé que vas a disfrutar."
3:"'¿Qué?"
2:"Pués el mero día de la boda se te va en un chasquido, si no disfrutas el construir tu día desde antes... ¿qué es lo que disfrutas?"


What is wrong with the dialogue above?

Last night I had a dream (no, not quoting Luther King in any way),
throughout this dream time seemed to pass but it was always night time.
I was at a party in someone's house and there were moments when this house looked like a mall because
it had cafeteria tables and a play-house in the middle of the living room. There was a big back yard
it had a pool and it was connected to the woods, but this is irrelevant, I never seemed to leave the house.
Every room had the lights turned off what very little amount of light there was came from candles and moonlight
that entered from the garden window. I shambled around, there didn't seem to be enough space for me to walk,
the house was full of people.I remember seeing my old elementary school friends, in that moment I thought of
how I always pictured us being friends forever, even when I moved to this God forsaken town (such a lovely God forsaken town).
I saw Caroline and I immediately felt ashamed. I lowered my head and tried to hide between the darkness and the crowd; behind her walked
Danielle. I felt lonelier than I did when I realized I was in the party alone.
After shuffling around for another while I saw Daniel, and after that things got weird. I didn't gather courage to
talk to him or anything (even if I knew it was a dream), but my unconscious self was affected by that and after seeing him
I just started to bump into most of my ex-lovers, and we talked and it was soothing.
Instead of feeling sad or guilty when I woke up, I felt a little at peace. I came to terms with the fact that they were gone.
When I woke up I felt, as if I had actually spoken to them, I felt forgiven my some and forgave others.
There was this one guy, who I think I hurt(in real life), and we talked, and he kissed my cheek as a sign of peace.
He gave me a ride back to my place and I.. I felt so soothed, I stuck half of my body out the window
and opened my arms and gathered air between them and in my hair. It was still night-time, but it felt like it was dawn.

I'm grateful for this dream, most of these people I've actually missed, perhaps not in a romantic way but I just miss their
existance in my life. This is the wonder of dreams, should I not be afraid of it, I could dream of my grandmother and talk to her,
but then again I wouldn't know what to tell her, we never talked back when she was living.

Blatant honesty.

At first I didn't like you.
I thought you were fake, boring and overall just... trying too hard to seem interesting.

But that's just something I always do.
I try to expect as little as possible from everyone around me.
I tried to avoid you a little at first.
I thought you were a little sickening.

Then I tried getting close to you
I tried reading what you wrote, but found nothing in it,
since I stuck to my stupid prejudiced mind.

Little by little, you started proving me wrong.
You are not trying too hard to seem interesting.
You are trying to hard to seem normal.
And it is sad...
because you are much more an interesting human being, than most people who surround you.

I wish you could see you're not damaged, you're a brilliant mind.
Smart, critical, but humble.
I wish I could somehow show you that the problem isn't you,
it's that people often lack the patience to stick around, and get to know you better.

I suddenly became very protective of you, mainly because you make my darkest thoughts feel protected and embraced. I see you more as a friend to be trusted than many other people who surround me.
For some stupid reason I think you are as interested in what I have to say as I am in what you have to write.
You don't judge me.
I don't judge you.
Kindred spirits with a very dark sense of humor.
Kindred spirits with suicidal tendencies.
Kindred spirits with fear of rejection.

I see a friend in you, a friend I need to protect.
and I genuinely hate her for hurting you,
for making you feel like you're useless and worthless.
Her, so stupid, so unread, so vain and immature.
I've never felt this angry at my friend's foes.

You're not worthless.
You can't let such an ignorant bitch let you down like that.

You're my friend.

While my mother waters plants
my father loads his gun.
He says death will give us back to God,
just like the setting sun
is written to the lonesome ocean.

How they shimmer, how they glimmer, those butterflies.

High like a helium balloon.

I like to look up wild at an infinite sky
twinkling with diamonds.
It's true, I get depressed in fancy hotel rooms
undressed, with nothing to flaunt but my loneliness.
Thinking of night song of your hair
premature as evening falls, it calls to me,
interrupted by the sirens in the street.

Soulmate.

We make time; try to find somebody else.

asdkjalsdkjalskdj

Your philosophy, your poetry;
you beautiful scumbag,
even though you don't have feelings
I'm obsessed with you right now!

I found it...

one of the original models i've searched to duplicate.

"I understand but...

I want passion even if it's harder and it hurts more."

Truth be told

I don't get half your jokes.

How dare you?

Beating on a cat with no nails to fight back.

Por ser una hija debería de obtener ciertos beneficios, como un derechazo y ya.
como una cachetada y ya.

y los odio un poco.
desde el corazón
cuando mis ojos miran con rencor el suelo de la cocina al que estuve atada
los odio un poco.

no.es.justo

Espada/fuego.

Sol de ojos de capulina,
Sol que en meses nunca deja de mirar
que sin importar la compañía no quita su atención
que se escapa de su pedazo de cielo para vigilar
Camina por mi costado, pero no desenfoques tu mirada que se muere uno de frío.
encandílame que es agradable, pero no se te olvide dejar anochecer de vez en vez para que no me muera de vergüenza.

Nude Study.

 







“When my body and your body
Lie together under a white sheet
Your head on my arm 
Your leg thrown over my leg 
The whole long continent of you
The pale ridgeline of your ribcage and hip and thigh
Neighbor to me
There is nothing that needs to be explained 
Or accomplished, the world is at rest and complete
And though 
We drift apart in the eddies of the day
We will find our way back 
To the slight hollows that mark the place 
Where we lie now, astonished, saying nothing.”

- Garrison Keillor



****

"When I jerk away from holding hands with you, I know these habits hurt important parts of you."

"Please don't expect me
to always be good and kind and loving.
There are times when I will be cold
and thoughtless
and hard to understand."